No matter what anyone says, there's nothing "poetic" or "rewarding" about getting your heart broken. It is garbage and it makes you garbage and it is shocking to me how long it makes you stay garbage. I'm not saying I'm completely garbage necessarily, but it's staggering to me how long it's taking me to even find any sort of calmness in myself. Searching for, finding, and living in a state of meditation, self-awareness, and self-love is brutally hard. Being reminded of the things I once had and the things I thought I would have for the rest of my life is a buzzkill because I very obviously do not have those things anymore. For a while, I felt like my life had changed in the course of one day, but looking back on it now, I realize it was years in the making. I was holding onto a person who was not holding onto me, who would never hold onto me, who will probably never hold onto anyone. He is lost and he always will be.
I am not eternally broken. Our tie to each other was always and will always be a complete mess that will never be figured out because it's not meant to be, and I've accepted that. I am a whole person and I am a strong person. I am not broken. There is nothing wrong with me.
I am not sad. I am angry, but I'm also grateful. In the absence of the shit that I never needed, I've found something better inside of myself. I am not one half of something that needs another half to be a whole. I am the whole. I am full. I am my own other half.
I don't really feel like I have much else to say but I'll probably keep writing anyway.
Sometimes I wonder if this blog will inhibit my chances of ever getting a teaching job, but I think if I were hiring myself I would think that it's kind of cool?? I don't know. I think an issue I have with education is that it's just a completely different feeling than any other situation. I just don't think anyone has ever felt completely comfortable in a classroom where they've HAD to have pens, and they've HAD to stay quiet, etc. or else they would be ridiculed. I don't understand why the atmosphere of a classroom has to be "professional" - I think that's what makes it so hard for kids to learn. For example, if I had it my way, essays would only be for the benefit of each individual person learning how they like to write/what they like to write about. I'm hoping that by the time I'm done my degree there will be less restraint on teachers AND students so that ideas can actually flow, no matter what they are, no matter if they're written with pen or pencil, no matter if I'm wearing fucking dress pants or a track suit.
And then sometimes I feel like I really would like to be a radio journalist?? And I feel like it could happen. Anything could happen.
I think it's just really important to remember that basically everything in life is better than it seems.
