WHAT AM I DOING

     Hellooooo world! This blog is getting a little dusty, so I thought I'd clean the thing off and start over fresh. I sincerely hope that everyone is doing well. I can't believe how much I miss writing this thing. I just read over a few of my past entries and realized that I have a sense of humour (????) and I think it's been missing in my other writing, so I'm gonna try to get it back. In case you're wondering what I mean by other writing (I'm sure you're all on the edge of your seats), I've been writing a weekly article for an online newspaper that was started in my hometown! My article is supposed to be focused on issues that affect people my age. It's such a great opportunity and I'm so grateful to my lovely friend who passed this article on to me (<3). Here's a thing, though. I have SO MUCH to say in this article. I could write about so many THINGS, but only theoretically. Realistically, I'm terrified of writing anything because I feel like it won't reach the audience I'm writing for. This blog is easy. I pick something that's pissing me off, I write a huge fucking paragraph on it (for some reason I don't believe in formatting) and then my friends read it and they can relate to it. I'm writing for people my age on here, so everything I'm saying is going to make sense. I don't know how to write my ideas to an audience that doesn't come from the same generation as me. Here are some things that I'm worried about: A) offending people. A lot of the things I have to say have to do with the generational gap between people my age and people older than myself, but how the hell do you just be like, "Oh hey, by the way I disagree with mostly everything your generation believes aaaand here's how to be better, peace." I can't do that at all, because it's terrible. I guess part of writing this article is learning how to get better at communicating my ideas to people who aren't like me  (underlined passage is, like, the meaning of life) but I'm just having a hard time right now with this so that's why I'm complaining. B) I'm having a hard time feeling like myself in my writing and feeling like I can be honest about what I think. For example, I want to write about how uncomfortable I feel in my work place sometimes because of the amount of not so appropriate remarks/looks my co-workers and I receive from older men. Normally, I would rage hard about this on my blog, fairly confident that none of these guys would ever find it. I can't do that in the paper because they all read it. It's probably a good thing that they'd see it, but stirring up shit in my work place is not something I need in my life even though my heart KNOWS IT HAS TO BE DONE. Please comment and tell me if this is okay, but I'm thinking of using the whole "I have a friend who's uncomfortable at work because..." approach? I don't know if that's wrong or if it's just me being strategic? Some advice would be helpful. Also, I'm worried about scaring people in this town, guys. I need to write about patriarchy in this article, but a few weeks ago I wrote about piercings and tattoos and that scared people! This is small town Alberta and I have the worst writer's block I think I've ever had! I think I'm having a hard time figuring out the difference between being a professional and changing who I am to make other people happy. I don't think I should have to change anything at all, but I just really don't want to lose this opportunity by saying the wrong thing. (Even though I probably don't,) I feel like I have a lot of pull in my community with this and I want to be the best I can be for the people reading what I have to say. This is one of those things that I really need some advice on. If you guys can comment and say whether or not you think I'm crazy for worrying or if you have any ideas for stuff I should be writing on, that would be so so so appreciated. I plan on writing some pretty meaty things in here in the near future, so stay tuned. Ciao!

Hypothetically, Would You Be Friends With You?

     Hi. So, I'm not even slightly close to being in school yet and I'm already balls deep in stress.
I have to make a "confirmation deposit" of $175 so all of my classes in my schedule don't get wiped off the face of the planet. BECAUSE THAT'S SO FAIR AND STUDENTS TOTALLY DEFINITELY HAVE AN EXTRA $175. Obviously, I'm mad about this. Deep breaths and donuts though, amirite?
     In other news, I'd like to do a person of the week post. This one goes out to my home girl Jenna Marbles. Jenna recently posted a video on being yourself:

http://youtu.be/6xx_pwu7n-Y

     Now, whether or not you watched that video, I'm going to tell you why it touched my heart. Jenna is one of the most confident, bad ass bitches in the world. I don't always agree with everything she says, but that doesn't make me like her any less. I think disagreeing with people is important in friendships and Jenna Marbles and I are suuuper close friends, so... (I'm lying). The reason Jenna's video touched me so much is because I'm going through this "being yourself" thing in my life right now. Not the whole "discovering-who-I-am-and-writing-terrible-semi-suicidal-song-lyrics-about-what-my-heart-is-truly-trying-to-tell-me-and-eating-ice-cream-for-every-meal" kind of struggle. I never really did exactly that when I was confused about who I was and I don't know why I pulled that scenario out of space, but I feel like everyone has different versions of that whole semi-psychotic phase at some point and maybe one person did that somewhere in time...? I'm not a focused human. Anyways, the struggle that I'm dealing with right now is persevering with my notion of who I am and sticking to my guns, even if people don't like it, if that makes sense. In the video, Jenna talks about how you know that you're truly being yourself when you're the loneliest you've ever been (or something along those lines) because you're at a point where you've completely accepted who you are and, probably, who you are might be a hard thing for others to accept sometimes. AND THAT MAKES SO MUCH SENSE. And the fact that Jenna Marbles is so confident and cool and is also super lonely like me, makes me feel really comforted. Before I get started on this, I don't mean to say that I don't have incredible friends, because I really, really do. I have wonderful friends who accept me and love me and I'm beyond grateful for that. My thing is, though, that I have a hard time being who others (society) expect me (and every other human in the world) to be (robotically polite and perfect in social situations), and that usually results in weird interactions or, like, no interactions at all with the majority of the human race. Holla if I'm not making any sense (and by holla, I mean comment below and I'll try to explain myself more thoroughly). I know a lot of people who are incredibly personable and nice and can strike up a conversation with anyone in any situation, and everyone loves these people - heck, I love these people! - and I always thought, "Shit, why don't people feel as comfortable around me as they do around these people?" And then I realized it's because I'm being myself. That's not to say that these people aren't being themselves - I'm sure they are - but a bubbly, personable, talkative, flamboyant Jenelle is just not something that you'll find under my sexy, but tough exterior. And this video made me realize that that's okay! And that's why I'm lonely! Because I'm being myself! And then I felt so relieved! I really don't want people to read this and be like, "Shit, I think Jenelle might be kind of dumb. It took her watching a Jenna Marbles video to make her realize it's okay to be herself? Yikes, I should not read this blog." Don't think this. Have you ever been walking down the sidewalk, just hating life in general, kicking sticks and rocks around and junk, and then you saw a rainbow, or a duck with baby ducks, or a really cute kitten, or a butterfly on a flower, and then you were like, "Man, life can be kind of beautiful sometimes. Maybe I shouldn't be such a heartless plug."? That's kinda what happened to me in this situation, and I am so thankful that it did. It was a wake-up call of sorts. I don't know when I started getting so personal in these blog posts and I sincerely hope it isn't scaring people off, but I'm not really intent on stopping. I feel so lucky to have the group of friends that I have now, because I don't feel, not even a tiny little bit, like I'm lying about who I am, and they love me anyway. And I am so excited for every single person in the world to reach the point where they feel as content as I do for this reason alone - that people love me because of exactly who I am and I don't have to pretend at all to be anything I'm not. 

     I, Jenelle Dufva, am terrible at small talk, disgustingly unorganized, incredibly witty, fairly book smart, bad at making friends, good at spending money on shoes, super supportive of my sisters, completely void of leadership skills, potentially hypocritical, very granola, and fierce as fuck. I'm lonely sometimes, but most of the time I'm not, because I've got my really great friends who love me and I've got myself. And I think that's pretty cool.  

"'Life': A Diary Entry, At Best." (Title Of My First Book)

     I'm at my parents' house and I'm sitting by a warm fireplace. I was about to go to bed but then I got all emotional and stuff, so here I am.
     Sometimes I get really distracted by silly things. Sometimes I worry too much about the shape of my eyebrows, or how my boss will feel about me if I call in sick, or how much money I'm spending on chocolate a month. Sometimes I rant too much or get too angry about things that are out of my control. Sometimes I forget to look at the bigger picture.
     I'm not trying to be artistic with this post or anything, I just have a lot of fucking feelings that I can't really seem to sort out or make sense of. And I know that probably just makes the bulk of this post that much more confusing, but go with me here, okay? Right now, sitting in front of this fire at my parents house, I feel content. I have no idea what tomorrow is going to bring. I have no idea how drastically my feelings might change overnight. I have no idea in what condition my eyebrows will be tomorrow. But, right now, I feel okay. I'm not happy and I'm not sad, but I'm grateful and I feel okay. I forget how lucky I am to be who I am, you know? I'm fucking rad and I have so much to be thankful for (parents, sister, cute cat pictures on the internet, my choir, my best friend, coffee, Project Free TV, etc.) and sometimes that slips my mind. Basically, the reason I'm writing this post tonight is to remind myself to remind myself of these things. Yeah, sometimes (most of the time) my life doesn't work out the way I want it to, but I try to roll with it. Yes, I cry a lot and I can't even bring myself to watch "Les Miserables" because I think I might shrivel into nothing and die afterwards from loss of water via my tear ducts (that's a secret; don't tell any of my choir friends I haven't seen it...). And yes, I take two showers a day (one in the morning and one at night) due to my self-diagnosed OCD (afore mentioned) and because it generally makes me feel better and helps me sleep. Yes, I eat, on average, 1-2 cartons of Ben and Jerry's a week. But you know, what would my life be like if it didn't have a downside? At least my flaws give me motivation to do better. My life is really great and sometimes that slips out of my sights, if you will.
     Maybe you've been having a really hard time too and maybe this will help you rediscover the beauty in your life (I repeat: PROJECT FREE TV). Or maybe this post was just for me - something to help me sort my thoughts and emotions. OR MAYBE THIS WHOLE POST WAS A LIE MWAHAHA. Jokes, it was all true. I wouldn't do that to you guys.
     Well, time for me to turn my brain off now. I hope this was at least slightly entertaining. And hey, now you know my whole life story, so that might be a cool thing. Anyways, just try to calm down and appreciate. Forget about stress and hate. Eliminate. And make a date. With fate. Wow, look at me go!
     I'm actually going to stop being crazy now and put myself in a place where I can no longer type weird spoken word poetry on my blog and wreck it forever. Goodnight.