Good morning/good night, whatever the hell. I've decided that I'm going to use this blog as a sort of diary (*ahem* refer to last blog post please thnxxxx) but I will give fair warning as to what is being included in said blog post by prefacing any diary-ish post title with "dear diary" because I think that's a good compromise. And if you don't like personal garbage then stop reading my blog but I know you do because you're on the internet and the internet is literally (figuratively) just a big fucking heap of personal information. Also, because this is a "diary" I'm going to be posting some pretty heartbreaking shit, but I don't want any sympathy/pity comments because I'm a bad ass bitch and in reality I'm okay, but I really appreciate the thought anyways <3
Where I'm at so far in 2015 is that I've been really let down by the one person I never thought would do that. Side note: I'm gonna stop doing that awkward, annoying cop-out thing I used to do where I would use second person and be like "you need to do this in your life because it's important for you etc." because I'm writing about myself and I'm just gonna leave you out of it. So, to stick with that new first person thing, what I've learned in the first six days of 2015 is that people are going to let me down so hard for my whole life and there's nothing I can do about it. They can make it seem like it's my fault, make it seem like I'm not "cool" enough to deserve better, but they're wrong. I've learned that if someone is going to let me down, it has nothing to do with me. If I'm going to let someone else down, then yes, that definitely has everything to do with me, but in this case it is totally not my bad (bolded and underlined to remind myself). When the initial "let down" first happened, I felt absolutely abandoned. There's still a part of my heart that does, and I don't think that will ever go away. But immediately after the fact, I had sooooooo many people expressing so much love for me that the abandonment I felt became very small and hidden beneath all the support and care that was piled on top of it. These people helped to remind me that I am a cool, exciting, nice, interesting person with lots to offer and that's what has been keeping my head above water. Also, I started a new job and making money is probably one of the best feelings I've ever known, so that keeps me distracted too. I hate that it took such a huge fucking punch to my heart for me to realize how amazing the other people in my life are, but I am glad that it opened my eyes. Like, exhibit A, my dad wrote me a letter about how he understands my anger (we have very similar temperaments) but that love is the most important thing and to always remember that. He said that the love he has for my sister, my mom, and I is all he really cares about. I'm tearing up just thinking about it now, he's so sweet. And that's just one person out of so many others I have by my side. So yeah, in conclusion I'm very, very angry at this situation in some aspects and I'm really trying to work through that and distract myself, but in others I just feel very lucky. I also feel very emotionally strong but I can't tell if that is just a lack of emotions maybe???? Who knows, whatever, I'm tough and I'll be fine.
In other news, I've come to the conclusion that I think vanity is totally cool. I've addressed the selfie issue before and I still stand by what I said. The selfie is a super feminist form of self-expression and I think it's beautiful that anyone can just take a picture of themselves whenever they feel like it and post it all over social media for everyone to see and those people have to look at this person exactly the way they want to be seen in that moment!!! Filters and all, it's so cool. Besides the selfie though, a person liking their own fucking face and doing things to make themselves look/feel better is so great and I think that it's wrong to make people feel selfish for spending a few hours on their hair, you know? So what, these people (me) want to spend a long ass time shaping their eyebrows?? There are so many worse things in the world than having a little extra mirror/one-on-one time so whatever! WHATEVER!!!!
That's all I have to say for right now. I'm trying to train myself to not have a filter when writing or speaking, so I'm sorry if this is all a little too forward. Going through the process of learning to be more honest is something that I need to do for my own personal growth so maybe just be happy you're able to see me get all weird with my honesty in public, k? Talk to you soon.
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