No matter what anyone says, there's nothing "poetic" or "rewarding" about getting your heart broken. It is garbage and it makes you garbage and it is shocking to me how long it makes you stay garbage. I'm not saying I'm completely garbage necessarily, but it's staggering to me how long it's taking me to even find any sort of calmness in myself. Searching for, finding, and living in a state of meditation, self-awareness, and self-love is brutally hard. Being reminded of the things I once had and the things I thought I would have for the rest of my life is a buzzkill because I very obviously do not have those things anymore. For a while, I felt like my life had changed in the course of one day, but looking back on it now, I realize it was years in the making. I was holding onto a person who was not holding onto me, who would never hold onto me, who will probably never hold onto anyone. He is lost and he always will be.
I am not eternally broken. Our tie to each other was always and will always be a complete mess that will never be figured out because it's not meant to be, and I've accepted that. I am a whole person and I am a strong person. I am not broken. There is nothing wrong with me.
I am not sad. I am angry, but I'm also grateful. In the absence of the shit that I never needed, I've found something better inside of myself. I am not one half of something that needs another half to be a whole. I am the whole. I am full. I am my own other half.
I don't really feel like I have much else to say but I'll probably keep writing anyway.
Sometimes I wonder if this blog will inhibit my chances of ever getting a teaching job, but I think if I were hiring myself I would think that it's kind of cool?? I don't know. I think an issue I have with education is that it's just a completely different feeling than any other situation. I just don't think anyone has ever felt completely comfortable in a classroom where they've HAD to have pens, and they've HAD to stay quiet, etc. or else they would be ridiculed. I don't understand why the atmosphere of a classroom has to be "professional" - I think that's what makes it so hard for kids to learn. For example, if I had it my way, essays would only be for the benefit of each individual person learning how they like to write/what they like to write about. I'm hoping that by the time I'm done my degree there will be less restraint on teachers AND students so that ideas can actually flow, no matter what they are, no matter if they're written with pen or pencil, no matter if I'm wearing fucking dress pants or a track suit.
And then sometimes I feel like I really would like to be a radio journalist?? And I feel like it could happen. Anything could happen.
I think it's just really important to remember that basically everything in life is better than it seems.
Saturday 4 April 2015
Saturday 7 March 2015
dear diary: i am hopeful!!!!
I finally feel like I've regained some of my footing in terms of who I am. Also, just to preface, I actually just write this blog because it helps me. I know I've said that before, and I also know that I have a solid handful of perfect, supportive friends who legitimately love me and care about how I'm doing but I also know there are a lot of people who don't care and that's fine too.
Something that I really lost with all of the shit that's happened lately is my sense of humour, which is a thing (I have to learn more nouns before school starts, yikes) that's been with me for as long as I can remember. Although I have a serious case of resting bitch face (I'm working on that), I have an undeniable love for anything funny. Over these past few months I was so stressed out about what was happening and what I needed to do for other people and a whole bunch of other bullshit that I forgot to make jokes and it was soooooo awful. And the worst part is that I didn't even realize it until I had a day where I just took a break from feeling defeated and let myself be. A lot of people say "Ohhhh laughter is the best medicine hee hee hah hah" and they're not wrong, but for me it was more of just letting myself jump back into that old sarcastic, witty, passive aggressive saddle I love riding in so much. Being funny is FUN and to have someone or something take that away from you is not okay. So no matter what shit is happening, let it happen, get through it, feel it out, but keep making jokes or better yet, start to make jokes again if you haven't done it in a long time. It'll really help.
I'm not a very openly loving person which is a) a complete change of subject and b) something that I don't know if I'll ever be. I don't feel the need to hug people which is something I really do genuinely want to change about myself. But recently, and I'm probably pre-menstrual so weeeooo, I've had a real soft spot for people who aren't afraid to love people?? I just am so amazed by people who meet others and are sober and just hug them and all of this nice stuff, like, that's just something that I don't do. I wish that I did, like, if I actually could make three wishes at some point and have them come true that would probably be one of them even though it's a little selfish. I like some people a lot and I want them to know that, but I'm not the best at just putting my feelings out there, and I hope I can be someday.
I like to share these on Facebook because I feel like there are a lot of people I know who don't see me very often so this is my own personal way of showing you that, yes, I'm still fine, and yes, I still curse too much. With the way things are looking right now, I will be fine and potty-mouthed forever, but here's a short little update about it anyways.
Something that I really lost with all of the shit that's happened lately is my sense of humour, which is a thing (I have to learn more nouns before school starts, yikes) that's been with me for as long as I can remember. Although I have a serious case of resting bitch face (I'm working on that), I have an undeniable love for anything funny. Over these past few months I was so stressed out about what was happening and what I needed to do for other people and a whole bunch of other bullshit that I forgot to make jokes and it was soooooo awful. And the worst part is that I didn't even realize it until I had a day where I just took a break from feeling defeated and let myself be. A lot of people say "Ohhhh laughter is the best medicine hee hee hah hah" and they're not wrong, but for me it was more of just letting myself jump back into that old sarcastic, witty, passive aggressive saddle I love riding in so much. Being funny is FUN and to have someone or something take that away from you is not okay. So no matter what shit is happening, let it happen, get through it, feel it out, but keep making jokes or better yet, start to make jokes again if you haven't done it in a long time. It'll really help.
I'm not a very openly loving person which is a) a complete change of subject and b) something that I don't know if I'll ever be. I don't feel the need to hug people which is something I really do genuinely want to change about myself. But recently, and I'm probably pre-menstrual so weeeooo, I've had a real soft spot for people who aren't afraid to love people?? I just am so amazed by people who meet others and are sober and just hug them and all of this nice stuff, like, that's just something that I don't do. I wish that I did, like, if I actually could make three wishes at some point and have them come true that would probably be one of them even though it's a little selfish. I like some people a lot and I want them to know that, but I'm not the best at just putting my feelings out there, and I hope I can be someday.
I like to share these on Facebook because I feel like there are a lot of people I know who don't see me very often so this is my own personal way of showing you that, yes, I'm still fine, and yes, I still curse too much. With the way things are looking right now, I will be fine and potty-mouthed forever, but here's a short little update about it anyways.
Tuesday 24 February 2015
untitled
I'm sick of not talking about this. I'm sick of trying to keep things happy and good. I'm sick of trying to be nice and avoid blaming the person who is putting me through this. I'm sick of avoiding my anger.
I was supposed to marry this person. For the longest time, I believed that this person was my one and only. I spent almost four years of my life trying to win this person back, to make him believe that I was the one he wanted. And now he's gone. I feel like I'm watching myself write this. I feel like people will judge me for talking about it. I almost feel that this person isn't worth the time it's going to take to write this.
I have one piece of advice for anyone who's in a confusing relationship with someone they don't love: don't ever lie. Above everything else that this person did to me, lying about loving me was absolutely the most disgusting, hurtful thing I could have ever imagined. To be told that you are the love of someone's life and then to find out that those words were rooted in feelings of jealousy and low self-esteem and not actual truth is what broke me forever.
The way I feel about relationships after this fucking hateful lie is almost completely disappeared. I have no feelings of even remotely wanting anything to do with getting that close to another person ever again. The thought of meeting someone's family and being accepted and loved by them and then to have that all taken away makes my stomach turn. Because that's what I believe now - that everything that's even remotely positive will be taken away.
To know that people in my life still see this person as a friend is unthinkable. To know that this person still exists and that he could do this to me and not lose anything makes me feel completely cheated.
Yes, I'm complaining. I don't care what anyone thinks of this post. All I know is that I'm sitting and thinking, completely debilitated. I can't get up and do anything. I keep trying and I keep feeling like shit.
I feel lost and confused and writing about it is the only thing I can do right now, even though I can't even explain what's going on.
All I have left to say is fuck you to the person who did this to me, who I still, for some unknown reason, have enough respect for to not use his name. Fuck you.
Wednesday 4 February 2015
dear diary: whhhyyyyyy
Real talk, here are some things that stress me out.
1. I shaved part of my head when I was living on my own and in university and incredibly lonely and bored and I recently tried to grow it out and I even more recently just saved it again and I've accepted that I'm probably going to die with a shaved part of my head. This is half bad ass and half weird and I just feel a little confused in the hair department.
2. I cannot even begin to say how crazy I get when people get weird about feminism. There are three words I have to say about it: DON'T BE DUMB. This may seem insensitive but I'm going to explain myself, don't worry. I have two main groups of people that I'm directing this towards and they are as follows: the "feminism is man hating and stupid even though I don't know anything but I'm too ignorant to ask what it actually means so I'm just gonna keep insulting it" and the "FEMINISM IS EVERYTHING LISTEN TO ME TALK ABOUT IT I'M RIGHT YOU'RE WRONG I'M ANGRY AGH". Both of you, chill. Don't be dumb. First person, the ignorant one, please ask questions. Don't just comment on shit you know nothing about saying embarrassing things like "Oh my god, I can't believe Emma Watson would lie in her UN speech about what feminism means."...!!!!!! Are you serious? Instead of arguing from a place of zero certainty, maybe just approach the situation a little more peacefully and humbly thanks?? No one is going to bite your head off for asking questions, but they will eat you alive if you're an oblivious asshole. To the second person on my hit list, bitch, everyone is angry about feminism. It's frustrating that dealing with people like example A on my list is inevitable but it is, but please, stay calm. No one is going to listen to you if you're screaming, just like you're not going to listen to people who tell you you're wrong if they're screaming. Be an approachable feminist, not a mean one. Again, I get the anger, but you want people to join the movement, right? Not run away from it, and they will if you're rude. So please, stop yelling and slow down.
3. Not going to the gym is okay. You don't have to feel bad about not going to the gym. Correction: I do not have to feel bad about not going to the gym. I keep having to remind myself of this because the world is so damn set on making me feel bad about myself. I am AWESOME and my body is perfectly healthy and I'm fine. I'm a server and I'm running all over a restaurant all day which is definitely enough exercise. And if you dance when you're by yourself as much as I do, you're probably getting enough exercise too. Health can be a really big issue, but if you are of average weight or even a little bit over, there is nothing wrong with you. Fat is not bad, it's necessary to have some on your body, and you are fine. I am fine.
4. It should not be as hard as it is to get student loans. That's all I have to say about that.
I feel like this post is sort of negative, but I mean everything I said. Shit is shitty sometimes and I just wanted to acknowledge that. Thank you for reading about my problems, thank you for supporting me, thank you for not stressing me out. <3
1. I shaved part of my head when I was living on my own and in university and incredibly lonely and bored and I recently tried to grow it out and I even more recently just saved it again and I've accepted that I'm probably going to die with a shaved part of my head. This is half bad ass and half weird and I just feel a little confused in the hair department.
2. I cannot even begin to say how crazy I get when people get weird about feminism. There are three words I have to say about it: DON'T BE DUMB. This may seem insensitive but I'm going to explain myself, don't worry. I have two main groups of people that I'm directing this towards and they are as follows: the "feminism is man hating and stupid even though I don't know anything but I'm too ignorant to ask what it actually means so I'm just gonna keep insulting it" and the "FEMINISM IS EVERYTHING LISTEN TO ME TALK ABOUT IT I'M RIGHT YOU'RE WRONG I'M ANGRY AGH". Both of you, chill. Don't be dumb. First person, the ignorant one, please ask questions. Don't just comment on shit you know nothing about saying embarrassing things like "Oh my god, I can't believe Emma Watson would lie in her UN speech about what feminism means."...!!!!!! Are you serious? Instead of arguing from a place of zero certainty, maybe just approach the situation a little more peacefully and humbly thanks?? No one is going to bite your head off for asking questions, but they will eat you alive if you're an oblivious asshole. To the second person on my hit list, bitch, everyone is angry about feminism. It's frustrating that dealing with people like example A on my list is inevitable but it is, but please, stay calm. No one is going to listen to you if you're screaming, just like you're not going to listen to people who tell you you're wrong if they're screaming. Be an approachable feminist, not a mean one. Again, I get the anger, but you want people to join the movement, right? Not run away from it, and they will if you're rude. So please, stop yelling and slow down.
3. Not going to the gym is okay. You don't have to feel bad about not going to the gym. Correction: I do not have to feel bad about not going to the gym. I keep having to remind myself of this because the world is so damn set on making me feel bad about myself. I am AWESOME and my body is perfectly healthy and I'm fine. I'm a server and I'm running all over a restaurant all day which is definitely enough exercise. And if you dance when you're by yourself as much as I do, you're probably getting enough exercise too. Health can be a really big issue, but if you are of average weight or even a little bit over, there is nothing wrong with you. Fat is not bad, it's necessary to have some on your body, and you are fine. I am fine.
4. It should not be as hard as it is to get student loans. That's all I have to say about that.
I feel like this post is sort of negative, but I mean everything I said. Shit is shitty sometimes and I just wanted to acknowledge that. Thank you for reading about my problems, thank you for supporting me, thank you for not stressing me out. <3
Wednesday 7 January 2015
dear diary: six days in, no turning back #2015
Good morning/good night, whatever the hell. I've decided that I'm going to use this blog as a sort of diary (*ahem* refer to last blog post please thnxxxx) but I will give fair warning as to what is being included in said blog post by prefacing any diary-ish post title with "dear diary" because I think that's a good compromise. And if you don't like personal garbage then stop reading my blog but I know you do because you're on the internet and the internet is literally (figuratively) just a big fucking heap of personal information. Also, because this is a "diary" I'm going to be posting some pretty heartbreaking shit, but I don't want any sympathy/pity comments because I'm a bad ass bitch and in reality I'm okay, but I really appreciate the thought anyways <3
Where I'm at so far in 2015 is that I've been really let down by the one person I never thought would do that. Side note: I'm gonna stop doing that awkward, annoying cop-out thing I used to do where I would use second person and be like "you need to do this in your life because it's important for you etc." because I'm writing about myself and I'm just gonna leave you out of it. So, to stick with that new first person thing, what I've learned in the first six days of 2015 is that people are going to let me down so hard for my whole life and there's nothing I can do about it. They can make it seem like it's my fault, make it seem like I'm not "cool" enough to deserve better, but they're wrong. I've learned that if someone is going to let me down, it has nothing to do with me. If I'm going to let someone else down, then yes, that definitely has everything to do with me, but in this case it is totally not my bad (bolded and underlined to remind myself). When the initial "let down" first happened, I felt absolutely abandoned. There's still a part of my heart that does, and I don't think that will ever go away. But immediately after the fact, I had sooooooo many people expressing so much love for me that the abandonment I felt became very small and hidden beneath all the support and care that was piled on top of it. These people helped to remind me that I am a cool, exciting, nice, interesting person with lots to offer and that's what has been keeping my head above water. Also, I started a new job and making money is probably one of the best feelings I've ever known, so that keeps me distracted too. I hate that it took such a huge fucking punch to my heart for me to realize how amazing the other people in my life are, but I am glad that it opened my eyes. Like, exhibit A, my dad wrote me a letter about how he understands my anger (we have very similar temperaments) but that love is the most important thing and to always remember that. He said that the love he has for my sister, my mom, and I is all he really cares about. I'm tearing up just thinking about it now, he's so sweet. And that's just one person out of so many others I have by my side. So yeah, in conclusion I'm very, very angry at this situation in some aspects and I'm really trying to work through that and distract myself, but in others I just feel very lucky. I also feel very emotionally strong but I can't tell if that is just a lack of emotions maybe???? Who knows, whatever, I'm tough and I'll be fine.
In other news, I've come to the conclusion that I think vanity is totally cool. I've addressed the selfie issue before and I still stand by what I said. The selfie is a super feminist form of self-expression and I think it's beautiful that anyone can just take a picture of themselves whenever they feel like it and post it all over social media for everyone to see and those people have to look at this person exactly the way they want to be seen in that moment!!! Filters and all, it's so cool. Besides the selfie though, a person liking their own fucking face and doing things to make themselves look/feel better is so great and I think that it's wrong to make people feel selfish for spending a few hours on their hair, you know? So what, these people (me) want to spend a long ass time shaping their eyebrows?? There are so many worse things in the world than having a little extra mirror/one-on-one time so whatever! WHATEVER!!!!
That's all I have to say for right now. I'm trying to train myself to not have a filter when writing or speaking, so I'm sorry if this is all a little too forward. Going through the process of learning to be more honest is something that I need to do for my own personal growth so maybe just be happy you're able to see me get all weird with my honesty in public, k? Talk to you soon.
Where I'm at so far in 2015 is that I've been really let down by the one person I never thought would do that. Side note: I'm gonna stop doing that awkward, annoying cop-out thing I used to do where I would use second person and be like "you need to do this in your life because it's important for you etc." because I'm writing about myself and I'm just gonna leave you out of it. So, to stick with that new first person thing, what I've learned in the first six days of 2015 is that people are going to let me down so hard for my whole life and there's nothing I can do about it. They can make it seem like it's my fault, make it seem like I'm not "cool" enough to deserve better, but they're wrong. I've learned that if someone is going to let me down, it has nothing to do with me. If I'm going to let someone else down, then yes, that definitely has everything to do with me, but in this case it is totally not my bad (bolded and underlined to remind myself). When the initial "let down" first happened, I felt absolutely abandoned. There's still a part of my heart that does, and I don't think that will ever go away. But immediately after the fact, I had sooooooo many people expressing so much love for me that the abandonment I felt became very small and hidden beneath all the support and care that was piled on top of it. These people helped to remind me that I am a cool, exciting, nice, interesting person with lots to offer and that's what has been keeping my head above water. Also, I started a new job and making money is probably one of the best feelings I've ever known, so that keeps me distracted too. I hate that it took such a huge fucking punch to my heart for me to realize how amazing the other people in my life are, but I am glad that it opened my eyes. Like, exhibit A, my dad wrote me a letter about how he understands my anger (we have very similar temperaments) but that love is the most important thing and to always remember that. He said that the love he has for my sister, my mom, and I is all he really cares about. I'm tearing up just thinking about it now, he's so sweet. And that's just one person out of so many others I have by my side. So yeah, in conclusion I'm very, very angry at this situation in some aspects and I'm really trying to work through that and distract myself, but in others I just feel very lucky. I also feel very emotionally strong but I can't tell if that is just a lack of emotions maybe???? Who knows, whatever, I'm tough and I'll be fine.
In other news, I've come to the conclusion that I think vanity is totally cool. I've addressed the selfie issue before and I still stand by what I said. The selfie is a super feminist form of self-expression and I think it's beautiful that anyone can just take a picture of themselves whenever they feel like it and post it all over social media for everyone to see and those people have to look at this person exactly the way they want to be seen in that moment!!! Filters and all, it's so cool. Besides the selfie though, a person liking their own fucking face and doing things to make themselves look/feel better is so great and I think that it's wrong to make people feel selfish for spending a few hours on their hair, you know? So what, these people (me) want to spend a long ass time shaping their eyebrows?? There are so many worse things in the world than having a little extra mirror/one-on-one time so whatever! WHATEVER!!!!
That's all I have to say for right now. I'm trying to train myself to not have a filter when writing or speaking, so I'm sorry if this is all a little too forward. Going through the process of learning to be more honest is something that I need to do for my own personal growth so maybe just be happy you're able to see me get all weird with my honesty in public, k? Talk to you soon.
Friday 2 January 2015
2015: the realness is real
Hey everyone! Happy 2015! Here's to hoping this next year is your best one yet. Obviously I've been a pretty inactive blogger for this past little while. I've been having some thoughts about what this blog allowed me to do and say and I'm thinking that it's important to make some changes in this coming year.
So much happened in 2014 that I wanted to write about. From the shootings on Parliament Hill to the appalling killings of unarmed black people by white police officers, there is soooo much ground to cover but I felt ill-equipped. Every time I wanted to write about something, even just a Facebook status, I had to check myself and think, you know, maybe it isn't necessarily my place to say anything. What if I say something offensive just because I'm trying to be involved and heard? Maybe it isn't my place to be involved and heard. I believe strongly in taking the side of social justice and being aware of what's going on, talking to everyone I know about what's going on and trying to find ways to make it better, but that's a personal discovery sort of thing. It's impossible to change the way things are by writing a Facebook post that says "Fuck the police, this is bullshit, rant rant rant". Anger can be helpful in terms of motivation to do better, but it's containing that anger and adjusting my own life and actions accordingly that can be the most helpful, I think. So basically what I'm trying to say is I spent a lot of time last year being angry about how unfair the world is for a lot of people and feeling like I couldn't say anything productive, which brings me to my next point.
I've realized a few things about this blog that piss me off and I'm about to point them out to you so you can go back and read previous posts and be just as annoyed as I am with myself. I feel that this blog has given me some good things but it's also been something that I've felt a little unsettled by. I haven't been writing a lot recently, not because I don't have anything to say, but because I feel like I need a more productive way to say them. I'm not writing this to be self-depricating or anything like that, I just kind of need people to understand where I'm coming from. When I look back on the beginning of this blog, I see all my posts about environmentalism and vegetarianism and all these things that were really important to me at the time (still are important to me too, for sure). But I've come to realize that the place I was coming from with those posts was more about an attitude of wanting to seem better than an attitude of genuine care for those issues. A lot of the posts that I wrote I felt legitimately passionate about, about 95% probably, but a lot of them were also coming from this place in my mind of wanting to always be smart and right. I kind of felt like I had to prove myself, like I had to show people that even though I'm not going to school right now or whatever I still had a brain and I was still capable of articulate thought. I was writing from a place of "well, I know this and now you know this because I'm telling you" instead of a more "well, here's something I learned let's talk about it" kind of attitude which I believe to be way more helpful and positive. I feel like it took me until now to realize that talking about being better doesn't actually make you better, and sometimes it can make you a huge judgemental asshole. When I was eighteen and stupid, I used to judge people for wearing make-up and nail polish and whatever because I knew "that wasn't natural and oh my god don't they know that's bad for them and blah blah blah etc". I always put my way of doing things above the way that others chose to do things and that's soooo shitty. I'd like to take a second and just apologize for being that way in my writing, for coming off as arrogant or insincere. And I'm not asking for a flood of comments being like "oh Jenelle you were never like that ho ho ho merry christmas lol" I'm saying I legitimately feel in my heart that I could've done better and my apology comes from that place, from my own feelings about myself. And I guess I never could have come to this conclusion if I hadn't gone through those phases of growing and learning, but that's just something I need to move on from and get better at.
So, here's what 2015 is looking like for me: I have a few really great friends, I'm really in love, I like having fake nails, I eat meat now, I'm trying to be as honest as possible, I have a great family, my room is messy, and I'm trying as hard as I can to approach everything as humbly as possible. I still care about social justice and politics and and feminism and things being fair and ethical and good, but I'm not gonna spend this year blogging about stuff like that just so people think I'm smart and/or involved. I know I'm smart, I also like to drink a lot, I spend way too much money on make-up and underwear, and I'm just trying to be better and I'm not going to apologize for any of that. I lost a few friends over this past year because I'm different now and I'm not going to apologize for that either. I'm changing and growing and learning to love myself, I'm not losing the aspects of myself that I liked but I am losing the ones that I didn't.
So ("so so so so", word of the day) in conclusion, here is what I'm trying to fucking say and it's taking so long but here we go, from now on this blog will be about me. Not about me trying to prove myself as smart with knowing all this shit about the world and politics and things that I wish I was (and am hoping to be) more educated on, but about my day to day life that I'm living and how everything affects me, because realistically, that's all I know anything about and me trying to write about anything other than that will inherently be less honest. I WANT this BLOG to be honest and real and relatable and fun and funny and exciting! I still want to write about feminism and feelings and all of that good stuff, but only in relation to my own experiences. I want to share my experiences with you because my life is the only thing I should pretend to know shit about.
I think this is definitely the most honest thing I've ever written. I just went back and read it and I was like "oh my goddddd am I actually saying this to my friends right now???" and the answer is yes, I am, because this year is about truth and being real and not holding back. I hope you still read and I promise (yes, I PROMISE) to write more often because now I feel way more comfortable about what I'm doing here. Thank you and you rule and you're probably so nice and I hope you have a great day.
So much happened in 2014 that I wanted to write about. From the shootings on Parliament Hill to the appalling killings of unarmed black people by white police officers, there is soooo much ground to cover but I felt ill-equipped. Every time I wanted to write about something, even just a Facebook status, I had to check myself and think, you know, maybe it isn't necessarily my place to say anything. What if I say something offensive just because I'm trying to be involved and heard? Maybe it isn't my place to be involved and heard. I believe strongly in taking the side of social justice and being aware of what's going on, talking to everyone I know about what's going on and trying to find ways to make it better, but that's a personal discovery sort of thing. It's impossible to change the way things are by writing a Facebook post that says "Fuck the police, this is bullshit, rant rant rant". Anger can be helpful in terms of motivation to do better, but it's containing that anger and adjusting my own life and actions accordingly that can be the most helpful, I think. So basically what I'm trying to say is I spent a lot of time last year being angry about how unfair the world is for a lot of people and feeling like I couldn't say anything productive, which brings me to my next point.
I've realized a few things about this blog that piss me off and I'm about to point them out to you so you can go back and read previous posts and be just as annoyed as I am with myself. I feel that this blog has given me some good things but it's also been something that I've felt a little unsettled by. I haven't been writing a lot recently, not because I don't have anything to say, but because I feel like I need a more productive way to say them. I'm not writing this to be self-depricating or anything like that, I just kind of need people to understand where I'm coming from. When I look back on the beginning of this blog, I see all my posts about environmentalism and vegetarianism and all these things that were really important to me at the time (still are important to me too, for sure). But I've come to realize that the place I was coming from with those posts was more about an attitude of wanting to seem better than an attitude of genuine care for those issues. A lot of the posts that I wrote I felt legitimately passionate about, about 95% probably, but a lot of them were also coming from this place in my mind of wanting to always be smart and right. I kind of felt like I had to prove myself, like I had to show people that even though I'm not going to school right now or whatever I still had a brain and I was still capable of articulate thought. I was writing from a place of "well, I know this and now you know this because I'm telling you" instead of a more "well, here's something I learned let's talk about it" kind of attitude which I believe to be way more helpful and positive. I feel like it took me until now to realize that talking about being better doesn't actually make you better, and sometimes it can make you a huge judgemental asshole. When I was eighteen and stupid, I used to judge people for wearing make-up and nail polish and whatever because I knew "that wasn't natural and oh my god don't they know that's bad for them and blah blah blah etc". I always put my way of doing things above the way that others chose to do things and that's soooo shitty. I'd like to take a second and just apologize for being that way in my writing, for coming off as arrogant or insincere. And I'm not asking for a flood of comments being like "oh Jenelle you were never like that ho ho ho merry christmas lol" I'm saying I legitimately feel in my heart that I could've done better and my apology comes from that place, from my own feelings about myself. And I guess I never could have come to this conclusion if I hadn't gone through those phases of growing and learning, but that's just something I need to move on from and get better at.
So, here's what 2015 is looking like for me: I have a few really great friends, I'm really in love, I like having fake nails, I eat meat now, I'm trying to be as honest as possible, I have a great family, my room is messy, and I'm trying as hard as I can to approach everything as humbly as possible. I still care about social justice and politics and and feminism and things being fair and ethical and good, but I'm not gonna spend this year blogging about stuff like that just so people think I'm smart and/or involved. I know I'm smart, I also like to drink a lot, I spend way too much money on make-up and underwear, and I'm just trying to be better and I'm not going to apologize for any of that. I lost a few friends over this past year because I'm different now and I'm not going to apologize for that either. I'm changing and growing and learning to love myself, I'm not losing the aspects of myself that I liked but I am losing the ones that I didn't.
So ("so so so so", word of the day) in conclusion, here is what I'm trying to fucking say and it's taking so long but here we go, from now on this blog will be about me. Not about me trying to prove myself as smart with knowing all this shit about the world and politics and things that I wish I was (and am hoping to be) more educated on, but about my day to day life that I'm living and how everything affects me, because realistically, that's all I know anything about and me trying to write about anything other than that will inherently be less honest. I WANT this BLOG to be honest and real and relatable and fun and funny and exciting! I still want to write about feminism and feelings and all of that good stuff, but only in relation to my own experiences. I want to share my experiences with you because my life is the only thing I should pretend to know shit about.
I think this is definitely the most honest thing I've ever written. I just went back and read it and I was like "oh my goddddd am I actually saying this to my friends right now???" and the answer is yes, I am, because this year is about truth and being real and not holding back. I hope you still read and I promise (yes, I PROMISE) to write more often because now I feel way more comfortable about what I'm doing here. Thank you and you rule and you're probably so nice and I hope you have a great day.
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