untitled

     I'm sick of not talking about this. I'm sick of trying to keep things happy and good. I'm sick of trying to be nice and avoid blaming the person who is putting me through this. I'm sick of avoiding my anger.

     I was supposed to marry this person. For the longest time, I believed that this person was my one and only. I spent almost four years of my life trying to win this person back, to make him believe that I was the one he wanted. And now he's gone. I feel like I'm watching myself write this. I feel like people will judge me for talking about it. I almost feel that this person isn't worth the time it's going to take to write this. 

     I have one piece of advice for anyone who's in a confusing relationship with someone they don't love: don't ever lie. Above everything else that this person did to me, lying about loving me was absolutely the most disgusting, hurtful thing I could have ever imagined. To be told that you are the love of someone's life and then to find out that those words were rooted in feelings of jealousy and low self-esteem and not actual truth is what broke me forever. 

     The way I feel about relationships after this fucking hateful lie is almost completely disappeared. I have no feelings of even remotely wanting anything to do with getting that close to another person ever again. The thought of meeting someone's family and being accepted and loved by them and then to have that all taken away makes my stomach turn. Because that's what I believe now - that everything that's even remotely positive will be taken away.

     To know that people in my life still see this person as a friend is unthinkable. To know that this person still exists and that he could do this to me and not lose anything makes me feel completely cheated. 

     Yes, I'm complaining. I don't care what anyone thinks of this post. All I know is that I'm sitting and thinking, completely debilitated. I can't get up and do anything. I keep trying and I keep feeling like shit.

     I feel lost and confused and writing about it is the only thing I can do right now, even though I can't even explain what's going on. 

     All I have left to say is fuck you to the person who did this to me, who I still, for some unknown reason, have enough respect for to not use his name. Fuck you. 

dear diary: whhhyyyyyy

     Real talk, here are some things that stress me out.

     1. I shaved part of my head when I was living on my own and in university and incredibly lonely and bored and I recently tried to grow it out and I even more recently just saved it again and I've accepted that I'm probably going to die with a shaved part of my head. This is half bad ass and half weird and I just feel a little confused in the hair department.

     2. I cannot even begin to say how crazy I get when people get weird about feminism. There are three words I have to say about it: DON'T BE DUMB. This may seem insensitive but I'm going to explain myself, don't worry. I have two main groups of people that I'm directing this towards and they are as follows: the "feminism is man hating and stupid even though I don't know anything but I'm too ignorant to ask what it actually means so I'm just gonna keep insulting it" and the "FEMINISM IS EVERYTHING LISTEN TO ME TALK ABOUT IT I'M RIGHT YOU'RE WRONG I'M ANGRY AGH". Both of you, chill. Don't be dumb. First person, the ignorant one, please ask questions. Don't just comment on shit you know nothing about saying embarrassing things like "Oh my god, I can't believe Emma Watson would lie in her UN speech about what feminism means."...!!!!!! Are you serious? Instead of arguing from a place of zero certainty, maybe just approach the situation a little more peacefully and humbly thanks?? No one is going to bite your head off for asking questions, but they will eat you alive if you're an oblivious asshole. To the second person on my hit list, bitch, everyone is angry about feminism. It's frustrating that dealing with people like example A on my list is inevitable but it is, but please, stay calm. No one is going to listen to you if you're screaming, just like you're not going to listen to people who tell you you're wrong if they're screaming. Be an approachable feminist, not a mean one. Again, I get the anger, but you want people to join the movement, right? Not run away from it, and they will if you're rude. So please, stop yelling and slow down.

     3. Not going to the gym is okay. You don't have to feel bad about not going to the gym. Correction: I do not have to feel bad about not going to the gym. I keep having to remind myself of this because the world is so damn set on making me feel bad about myself. I am AWESOME and my body is perfectly healthy and I'm fine. I'm a server and I'm running all over a restaurant all day which is definitely enough exercise. And if you dance when you're by yourself as much as I do, you're probably getting enough exercise too. Health can be a really big issue, but if you are of average weight or even a little bit over, there is nothing wrong with you. Fat is not bad, it's necessary to have some on your body, and you are fine. I am fine.

     4. It should not be as hard as it is to get student loans. That's all I have to say about that.

     I feel like this post is sort of negative, but I mean everything I said. Shit is shitty sometimes and I just wanted to acknowledge that. Thank you for reading about my problems, thank you for supporting me, thank you for not stressing me out. <3