untitled

     I'm sick of not talking about this. I'm sick of trying to keep things happy and good. I'm sick of trying to be nice and avoid blaming the person who is putting me through this. I'm sick of avoiding my anger.

     I was supposed to marry this person. For the longest time, I believed that this person was my one and only. I spent almost four years of my life trying to win this person back, to make him believe that I was the one he wanted. And now he's gone. I feel like I'm watching myself write this. I feel like people will judge me for talking about it. I almost feel that this person isn't worth the time it's going to take to write this. 

     I have one piece of advice for anyone who's in a confusing relationship with someone they don't love: don't ever lie. Above everything else that this person did to me, lying about loving me was absolutely the most disgusting, hurtful thing I could have ever imagined. To be told that you are the love of someone's life and then to find out that those words were rooted in feelings of jealousy and low self-esteem and not actual truth is what broke me forever. 

     The way I feel about relationships after this fucking hateful lie is almost completely disappeared. I have no feelings of even remotely wanting anything to do with getting that close to another person ever again. The thought of meeting someone's family and being accepted and loved by them and then to have that all taken away makes my stomach turn. Because that's what I believe now - that everything that's even remotely positive will be taken away.

     To know that people in my life still see this person as a friend is unthinkable. To know that this person still exists and that he could do this to me and not lose anything makes me feel completely cheated. 

     Yes, I'm complaining. I don't care what anyone thinks of this post. All I know is that I'm sitting and thinking, completely debilitated. I can't get up and do anything. I keep trying and I keep feeling like shit.

     I feel lost and confused and writing about it is the only thing I can do right now, even though I can't even explain what's going on. 

     All I have left to say is fuck you to the person who did this to me, who I still, for some unknown reason, have enough respect for to not use his name. Fuck you.