Hypothetically, Would You Be Friends With You?

     Hi. So, I'm not even slightly close to being in school yet and I'm already balls deep in stress.
I have to make a "confirmation deposit" of $175 so all of my classes in my schedule don't get wiped off the face of the planet. BECAUSE THAT'S SO FAIR AND STUDENTS TOTALLY DEFINITELY HAVE AN EXTRA $175. Obviously, I'm mad about this. Deep breaths and donuts though, amirite?
     In other news, I'd like to do a person of the week post. This one goes out to my home girl Jenna Marbles. Jenna recently posted a video on being yourself:

http://youtu.be/6xx_pwu7n-Y

     Now, whether or not you watched that video, I'm going to tell you why it touched my heart. Jenna is one of the most confident, bad ass bitches in the world. I don't always agree with everything she says, but that doesn't make me like her any less. I think disagreeing with people is important in friendships and Jenna Marbles and I are suuuper close friends, so... (I'm lying). The reason Jenna's video touched me so much is because I'm going through this "being yourself" thing in my life right now. Not the whole "discovering-who-I-am-and-writing-terrible-semi-suicidal-song-lyrics-about-what-my-heart-is-truly-trying-to-tell-me-and-eating-ice-cream-for-every-meal" kind of struggle. I never really did exactly that when I was confused about who I was and I don't know why I pulled that scenario out of space, but I feel like everyone has different versions of that whole semi-psychotic phase at some point and maybe one person did that somewhere in time...? I'm not a focused human. Anyways, the struggle that I'm dealing with right now is persevering with my notion of who I am and sticking to my guns, even if people don't like it, if that makes sense. In the video, Jenna talks about how you know that you're truly being yourself when you're the loneliest you've ever been (or something along those lines) because you're at a point where you've completely accepted who you are and, probably, who you are might be a hard thing for others to accept sometimes. AND THAT MAKES SO MUCH SENSE. And the fact that Jenna Marbles is so confident and cool and is also super lonely like me, makes me feel really comforted. Before I get started on this, I don't mean to say that I don't have incredible friends, because I really, really do. I have wonderful friends who accept me and love me and I'm beyond grateful for that. My thing is, though, that I have a hard time being who others (society) expect me (and every other human in the world) to be (robotically polite and perfect in social situations), and that usually results in weird interactions or, like, no interactions at all with the majority of the human race. Holla if I'm not making any sense (and by holla, I mean comment below and I'll try to explain myself more thoroughly). I know a lot of people who are incredibly personable and nice and can strike up a conversation with anyone in any situation, and everyone loves these people - heck, I love these people! - and I always thought, "Shit, why don't people feel as comfortable around me as they do around these people?" And then I realized it's because I'm being myself. That's not to say that these people aren't being themselves - I'm sure they are - but a bubbly, personable, talkative, flamboyant Jenelle is just not something that you'll find under my sexy, but tough exterior. And this video made me realize that that's okay! And that's why I'm lonely! Because I'm being myself! And then I felt so relieved! I really don't want people to read this and be like, "Shit, I think Jenelle might be kind of dumb. It took her watching a Jenna Marbles video to make her realize it's okay to be herself? Yikes, I should not read this blog." Don't think this. Have you ever been walking down the sidewalk, just hating life in general, kicking sticks and rocks around and junk, and then you saw a rainbow, or a duck with baby ducks, or a really cute kitten, or a butterfly on a flower, and then you were like, "Man, life can be kind of beautiful sometimes. Maybe I shouldn't be such a heartless plug."? That's kinda what happened to me in this situation, and I am so thankful that it did. It was a wake-up call of sorts. I don't know when I started getting so personal in these blog posts and I sincerely hope it isn't scaring people off, but I'm not really intent on stopping. I feel so lucky to have the group of friends that I have now, because I don't feel, not even a tiny little bit, like I'm lying about who I am, and they love me anyway. And I am so excited for every single person in the world to reach the point where they feel as content as I do for this reason alone - that people love me because of exactly who I am and I don't have to pretend at all to be anything I'm not. 

     I, Jenelle Dufva, am terrible at small talk, disgustingly unorganized, incredibly witty, fairly book smart, bad at making friends, good at spending money on shoes, super supportive of my sisters, completely void of leadership skills, potentially hypocritical, very granola, and fierce as fuck. I'm lonely sometimes, but most of the time I'm not, because I've got my really great friends who love me and I've got myself. And I think that's pretty cool.