Okay, here we go. At the moment, I'm sitting in a Second Cup. I came here because I find it impossible to do homework without people watching me. I'm not motivated to do things on my own, and I figure if I slack off and people are around and I imagine these people thinking, "Man, that girl is really not doing her homework like she's supposed to be doing...", it'll make me feel more inclined to actually do work. This peer pressure study scheme that I've created for myself has failed, friends. And it's not because all of these people around me aren't scary, it's because I hate school. I don't hate school completely, but at this point in my life, what I'm doing right now is not good for me and it's driving me up the wall.
On New Years Eve, I decided that this was going to be my last semester. That made me really excited because I figured in this semester I would just try to have a lot of fun and not be stressed out, and that seems reasonable, right? Just taking classes that I like solely for the purpose of learning and nothing else. So, I loaded up my course schedule with English, Women's Studies, Philosophy, Classics, and History of Western Music. The first day of classes, I dropped the Western Music class because the textbook was $170 (!!!!%%&$*#&@&$#*). I didn't even go to the class one time. The next day, I dropped Philosophy because my professor was like, "You'll need to have a handle on basic high school algebra" and I was like, "Kay, see ya". A week later, I dropped my Classics course because my prof was the most boring speaker I've ever heard in my life. I know he's probably incredibly intelligent and a really cool guy, but it just didn't work for me. So here I am now - down to two classes, a part-time student. You think it'd be a walk in the park, right? For the most part, it is. I go to class (most of the time) and I take notes on the things I'm supposed to take notes on and I do my assignments the way my profs want me to do them, and a lot of the time I really do enjoy the content. I like listening to these people who have years of experience in their fields tell me about all of these really cool facts, and different ways to read, and think and all of that. It's really nice to see people who are passionate about what they do. I love professors. They're neat people. But on another level, it makes me that much more upset about the fact that I have no idea what I'm doing there. My whole "this semester is going to be fun because I'm not working towards anything la la la" attitude has turned into an existential "why am I wasting my youth on sitting and digesting the stuff this corporation of an institution wants me to learn, I'm just paying them to be miserable, basically" attitude. What I'm angry about, if you didn't catch on in that last sentence, is the institution - the school itself. I've mentioned this briefly before but I never really got into exactly what I don't like about it. Let me enlighten you and get super personal (is it possible to get more personal?? Why am I telling you everything???). I received a loan from the government of Alberta for $13,000 dollars to live and go to school over this past year. I did it because I thought I would love university, I thought I would stay, and I thought it would be worth it. I loved high school, and loving university is what I was supposed to do, right? Not included in this loan were textbook costs. Overall, I think I spent about $600 on textbooks. Dropping all of those classes really helped me out though. Getting back $200 from this place that I hate was like a dream come true. So anyways, my point is, here I am in this Second Cup, worried about even buying a cup of coffee because that's how "in the hole" I am financially, and this school that's given me mostly stress and bad feelings is taking my money without batting an eye. It doesn't seem fair to me and it makes me upset.
Now, before you get all frustrated with me because I'm just doing a lot of bitching, I want to say something. Firstly, I am so lucky to live in a place in the world where I am able to go to school and get an education. The freedom for people to choose to do that is something that I really value. It's just not for me, personally. Secondly, if you like school, I am so happy for you. If you fit in there and you feel like you're getting a lot out of your classes and you are just in love with every building you go to class in and you want to set up a tent in the hallway you love it so much, I am so, so, so happy for you. That's what everyone should feel - like they're spending their time on something that truly means something to them. If you can afford to go to school - hell, if you can't afford to go to school - and you are legitimately happy being there, fucking stay. Stay and be smart and be you and just have fun. All I'm saying is that this doesn't work for me. And honestly, after I spewed all of that anti-capitalist hate garbage (lawl), I'm not even as bitter about it as I seem, believe it or not. I'm glad that I know now, you know? If I never went to school at all, I would have always wondered, "Hmmm, what would a 300-level Philosophy class be like?" Now, that I've been to school, I know that it's full of computer scientists who just love math and that's cool. But it's not for me, and because I tried it out, I know that.
In summary, the school I've been going to doesn't work for me because I feel like I should be doing something better with my time if I'm not sure about this right now. So, I'm going to finish off this semester and try to get the most out of it that I possibly can, I'm going to work my ass off this summer, and then travel. The way I see it is I could stay in school and learn how I'm supposed to be living, or I could just actually go out and live.
I hope that this post spoke to you if you're unhappy with the institution you're currently stuck in. Even if you are happy with the institution you are in (again, I'm so happy for you), maybe this will help you understand why a lot of the people who started school at the same time you did aren't there anymore. Every one is different and every one needs different things. If you're happy where you are, stay there. If you aren't, get the fuck out and try something else. The only thing holding you back is yourself and I've experienced that first-hand. Always exercise your talents and always do what feels best for you, not what feels best for your parents or friends who think you should be doing something else. If you want to rip me to pieces for this post and tell me I'm an ungrateful first-worlder, feel free because I probably am. I just want people to acknowledge their feelings about where they are in their lives and follow them. That is fucking cheesy of me to say. But it works! I've acknowledged that I hate school and I feel light as a feather. Give it a shot and ask yourself if you're happy. It'll pay off. Ew, a money pun.
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