Hypothetically, Would You Be Friends With You?

     Hi. So, I'm not even slightly close to being in school yet and I'm already balls deep in stress.
I have to make a "confirmation deposit" of $175 so all of my classes in my schedule don't get wiped off the face of the planet. BECAUSE THAT'S SO FAIR AND STUDENTS TOTALLY DEFINITELY HAVE AN EXTRA $175. Obviously, I'm mad about this. Deep breaths and donuts though, amirite?
     In other news, I'd like to do a person of the week post. This one goes out to my home girl Jenna Marbles. Jenna recently posted a video on being yourself:

http://youtu.be/6xx_pwu7n-Y

     Now, whether or not you watched that video, I'm going to tell you why it touched my heart. Jenna is one of the most confident, bad ass bitches in the world. I don't always agree with everything she says, but that doesn't make me like her any less. I think disagreeing with people is important in friendships and Jenna Marbles and I are suuuper close friends, so... (I'm lying). The reason Jenna's video touched me so much is because I'm going through this "being yourself" thing in my life right now. Not the whole "discovering-who-I-am-and-writing-terrible-semi-suicidal-song-lyrics-about-what-my-heart-is-truly-trying-to-tell-me-and-eating-ice-cream-for-every-meal" kind of struggle. I never really did exactly that when I was confused about who I was and I don't know why I pulled that scenario out of space, but I feel like everyone has different versions of that whole semi-psychotic phase at some point and maybe one person did that somewhere in time...? I'm not a focused human. Anyways, the struggle that I'm dealing with right now is persevering with my notion of who I am and sticking to my guns, even if people don't like it, if that makes sense. In the video, Jenna talks about how you know that you're truly being yourself when you're the loneliest you've ever been (or something along those lines) because you're at a point where you've completely accepted who you are and, probably, who you are might be a hard thing for others to accept sometimes. AND THAT MAKES SO MUCH SENSE. And the fact that Jenna Marbles is so confident and cool and is also super lonely like me, makes me feel really comforted. Before I get started on this, I don't mean to say that I don't have incredible friends, because I really, really do. I have wonderful friends who accept me and love me and I'm beyond grateful for that. My thing is, though, that I have a hard time being who others (society) expect me (and every other human in the world) to be (robotically polite and perfect in social situations), and that usually results in weird interactions or, like, no interactions at all with the majority of the human race. Holla if I'm not making any sense (and by holla, I mean comment below and I'll try to explain myself more thoroughly). I know a lot of people who are incredibly personable and nice and can strike up a conversation with anyone in any situation, and everyone loves these people - heck, I love these people! - and I always thought, "Shit, why don't people feel as comfortable around me as they do around these people?" And then I realized it's because I'm being myself. That's not to say that these people aren't being themselves - I'm sure they are - but a bubbly, personable, talkative, flamboyant Jenelle is just not something that you'll find under my sexy, but tough exterior. And this video made me realize that that's okay! And that's why I'm lonely! Because I'm being myself! And then I felt so relieved! I really don't want people to read this and be like, "Shit, I think Jenelle might be kind of dumb. It took her watching a Jenna Marbles video to make her realize it's okay to be herself? Yikes, I should not read this blog." Don't think this. Have you ever been walking down the sidewalk, just hating life in general, kicking sticks and rocks around and junk, and then you saw a rainbow, or a duck with baby ducks, or a really cute kitten, or a butterfly on a flower, and then you were like, "Man, life can be kind of beautiful sometimes. Maybe I shouldn't be such a heartless plug."? That's kinda what happened to me in this situation, and I am so thankful that it did. It was a wake-up call of sorts. I don't know when I started getting so personal in these blog posts and I sincerely hope it isn't scaring people off, but I'm not really intent on stopping. I feel so lucky to have the group of friends that I have now, because I don't feel, not even a tiny little bit, like I'm lying about who I am, and they love me anyway. And I am so excited for every single person in the world to reach the point where they feel as content as I do for this reason alone - that people love me because of exactly who I am and I don't have to pretend at all to be anything I'm not. 

     I, Jenelle Dufva, am terrible at small talk, disgustingly unorganized, incredibly witty, fairly book smart, bad at making friends, good at spending money on shoes, super supportive of my sisters, completely void of leadership skills, potentially hypocritical, very granola, and fierce as fuck. I'm lonely sometimes, but most of the time I'm not, because I've got my really great friends who love me and I've got myself. And I think that's pretty cool.  

The Intehwebz.

     This probably won't be long, and this will probably be stupid, but I just have a little rant that I need to get out right now before I can continue living my life.
     I love social media. I think social media is one of the most beautiful things that has ever happened to the human race. It brings people together in ways that nothing else can, from all walks of life and from all over the world, and I think that's just lovely. I also have this burning, itching pain in my ass about social media that I just cannot get away from. No matter how hard I try to ignore it, and no matter how often I don't look at certain things because of it, I hate that there's this unspoken rule against deleting people off of Facebook. Some people wouldn't even notice if I deleted them and that is probably a pretty good indication that I should not be friends with those people in the first place, but there are others that YOU JUST HAVE TO BE FRIENDS WITH EVEN IF YOU DON'T WANT TO. You know? Am I making sense here? There are a few people within my Facebook community that I want to delete for even the tiniest reason, like, they did something one time, but I can't because it would be totally socially unacceptable and it would cause drama AND I HATE THAT. I hate that there's this "Facebook etiquette" that has to be followed in order to not offend people. I hate offending people though, so I try my darnedest to be friendly on Facebook. But, Jesus Christ, if you don't read what you write before pressing "Post" and you end up writing something like, "I went to the malt tonight two get some hooks and thigh" and you actually meant to say, "I went to the mall today to get some books and thread", get out of my fucking face, please. If you want to type errors so readily, do everyone a favor and delete everyone of your Facebook friends because they probably feel the same way about you that I do. Sometimes, when I'm feeling extra super miserable, I want to delete people for being happy. When I see that  "(fill in the blank) is thinking about how lucky she is to have such an amazing boyfriend", for a second, I'm like, "That's it, fuckers - you're both gone." And then I just realize that I'm just sad and #stillsingle and then I feel like a huge jerk. (Side note: I love hashtags. Hashtags are a genius result of the internet.) Or those really vague, miserable statuses where you read them and then you're all like, "Is this person going to jump off a bridge later? Like, should I call this guy up?" I'm not really being serious about all this stuff, and I don't actually care about it that much, I'm just having one of those days where I wanted to see if anyone else feels the same way I do, because a lot of the time I get this feeling like I'm the only human person with these weird feelings and that makes me feel like I'm actually meant to be a cat or a lamp or something. Help.
     That's all I have to say. Writing in this blog makes me feel better about my life. Goodnight.
   

The World, Man.

     Hello! Man, I miss this blog. I've decided that I'm actually going to start forcing myself to write at least once a week a) because I feel like I'm a large asshole for being so lazy about something that I really care about, and b) it'll just make me a better writer in the long run, so I think that's important for my career and life and all that jazz. I'm also going to start posting all of my blog spurts on Facebook so they're more easily accessible and the poor users of the internet don't have to sleaze around looking for my posts, because I feel like that's too much work for something with such minimal progress. Evan reads this blog, though, so, you rule, Evan. Keep being you.
    For those of you who don't know me very well/aren't close to me personally/have better things to do than know where I am, I'm in Pennsylvania, USA. I'm here for two weeks with my family and it's been fresh. My family is neat and I like that I get to spend so much time with them. So, my family has been really nice. America, on the other hand, I'm not too sure about. I'm going to try to write this in the least offensive sense I can possibly muster from inside my brain because I'm not trying to be offensive, this is just an observation of a Canadian visitor.
     Now, I've been to the USA before and I've done my thing. But this time has been different. In my other American experiences, I've been with Canadians. I've been with a shit ton of Canadian teenagers who didn't give a fuck and just kept on being Canadian and didn't talk to any Americans to a large extent and it was totally fine. We saw the sights and we danced the dance and it was all fine and good. Such is not the case on this trip. I've had long, extended conversations with at least seven Republicans and it was really hard, guys. I guess my issue here is not with America (it's kind of with America - I'll talk about that later on), but with this mindset that the people I spoke to have. There are two things that they stressed more than anything during our conversations: God and war. I won't be discussing God because freedom of religion, amirite? During this trip, I read "1984" by George Orwell and there literally could not have been a more relevant book to read. There were a few times when I actually had to get up and leave a conversation because I couldn't stand to be around people that talked this way. It legitimately scared me to hear it. First off, let me give you some background: every single person I had talked to had served in the military. Coming from Canada, this is not something you regularly hear about. In fact, I only know, personally, one person from Canada who served in the military. These were seven different people who ALL happened to serve. All of these men were Republicans who saw the military as their responsibility. They believed that it was up to them to "kill for their freedom". That's a real live quote. You hear about this stuff in movies and books and junk, but actually meeting a person, MULTIPLE PEOPLE, who believed that this (freedom) is still an issue blew my mind. I understand defense to a degree, and I know that America might be in danger, but freedom is really not a thing anymore. We're as free as we're going to be over here, you know? And if anything is holding Americans back from more freedom, it's only their regressive attitude in terms of where their country is at politically. I just don't understand this want for invasion. One man told me a story of his son who had been driving in a convoy of military vehicles. The first vehicle was suddenly struck by a suicide bomber in a car. The men were fine. They found out later that the vehicle behind them had caught the whole thing on tape. In the corner of the screen as they were watching back, they saw that an innocent civilian on a bike had been blown to pieces. His son laughed as he was telling the story, like it was a joke. I'm not trying to make these people sound evil, nor am I making any excuse for them by writing this part, I'm just stating a fact. I talked to my family members that I'm travelling with about the attitude that these people have, and they told me to let it go. "Oh yeah, you know, women are still paid 30 cents less an hour than men and a rape occurs every nine minutes in India, but whatever, I think I'll just let that go." No. It made me sick. Like, the whole of the human race and it's health and future didn't, in fact, depend on America getting it's giant ass military nose out of places it doesn't belong. This mindset is creating monsters, you know? We're feeding the war machine. There is no doubt in my mind that these men were brainwashed into thinking this kind of behavior was normal for Americans; American soldiers, especially. Like this is how Americans are supposed to act. I was told (I didn't know this and I feel like this is something that people should learn in their Social Studies classes) that soldiers on the front line will never in their lives know how many people they have killed while on duty. A lot of meat-eaters are okay with eating meat as long as it's in the form of a hamburger with cheese and they don't have to go out with a bow and arrow, murdering their prey themselves. Ignorance is bliss, right? Of course being in the military is okay, as long as it's like a video game. As long as you can shoot for hours and hours and never know the damage you've done. I'm not trying to be rude or disrespectful, I'm actually just genuinely worried about what kind of people this process is creating. How can a person come back from this? Can they?
     When I was younger and told that America and Canada were allied, I thought that was really nice. In my child-like brain I thought, "Man, it is so cool of the USA to let Canada be friends with them. They are so important." On a drive home from a relative's house, I was trying to think of an analogy for the way I feel about the relationship between America and Canada now (in strict terms of government actions and political policies - I'm definitely not referring to the people of America as a whole), and I figured it out. Canada and America are sisters. They've grown up beside each other, sharing ideas and borrowing clothes and food and money from each other. America is the younger sister and sometimes she can be grumpy. She gets jealous of Canada, and Asia, and Africa because they have things that she doesn't have, like diamonds and silk, etc. America then throws a tantrum. At first, Canada tries to help and calm her down. Canada tries to negotiate a deal with America so that she'll stop freaking out, but it doesn't work. After a while, and after many episodes, Canada has finally given up and she just lets America do what she needs to do, even if that means taking every single thing she can from Asia and Africa and all the other girls in the world. Of course, Canada still loves America and is there for her when she needs help, but Canada has learned to just look on with a knowing smirk.
     I know that there are many parts of America that are abundant with people who have different ideas and knowledge. Some of the most amazing inventions and theories have come out of America. I would love to see as much of the USA as I possibly can before I die. This blog post wasn't written to force everyone in America into a box. This post was written to make people take a step back and think about this shit. Does America need a military? Why do they need a military? Did they, in fact, bring all of this turmoil upon themselves? Does Canada need a military? Why are we still fighting? Why aren't people questioning the government and each other?
     This is the stuff that runs through my mind. These are all merely thoughts and things that I've come across during my experience here. Again, offending any American people is the last thing I'm trying to do. This isn't aimed at people, this is aimed at policy. All I'm trying to do is create a thought process about these issues because I think they're important. You can disagree with me, agree with me, be furious at me - whatever. Just think about it and comment if you want! Thanks for the read.